“I can’t go any further.”
“I can’t take any more of this.”
“I can’t stand it any more.”
“I am done.”
How many times have you said some version of one of these and then gone on to go further, take a little more of it, stand a bit more, or not quit, and not been transformed in some way?
Often, transformation and change are just on the other side of what we think we can do. Before I go on, I am not advocating for tolerating unnecessary pain, being treated poorly, or the like. What I am writing about here are times when our ego starts to write a story that something is too difficult to accomplish in an attempt to keep us small. As a way to deny our magnificence.
Here is an example of my experience. At the end of my year as an exchange student in Japan in 1993, the Rotary Youth Exchange chapter took us to climb Mount Fuji. We were to climb to the top from our starting point midway up the mountain and return on the same day. About three-quarters of the way to the top, I found myself separated from most of the group and hiking with Hide (pronounced hee-day). He had been an exchange student in Australia, returned to Japan, and was now volunteering with the chapter for events like these. I was glad to be hiking with him as I really looked up to him. Not too far from the summit, I was getting pretty worn out. I told Hide, “I can’t go any further; I am turning back.” I don’t remember the exact words he said to me, but they were words of encouragement and about how far I had come. He asked if I really wanted to go back before getting to the top. Those words worked, whatever they were. Maybe I didn’t want to disappoint him. Whether he helped me find a store of hidden internal power or I leveraged my co-dependence, or both, somehow I got to the top. It was cold and cloudy, with very little view. We drank hot sake from a can that heated itself when you pressed a little button on the bottom. Even with that novelty, being at the top was not a “pinnacle experience”.
Getting to the top, by going a little further than I thought I could stand, was the pinnacle experience. By finding that resilience within me, not getting to the top of Mount Fuji was removed from my future regret list. That experience is now a cherished memory. It was one of many things that I did that year that was a “hard thing”, but it may be the only one where I said out loud (or even to myself), “I cannot go any further.” I gave myself permission to give up. Also, I acknowledged my resistance to proceeding instead of just handing it over to my body to hold on to. I started to be aware that I can do hard things. Or, I can stop/quit/give up, which would also be ok.
I didn’t know back then that I would become a champion of doing hard things on purpose. I have found hard things to do in a space held by supportive and accepting/loving people, where I can practice being in discomfort, recognize my resistance, and choose if I want to go further. Whether it is an ice bath, a firewalk, accessing suppressed emotion through breathwork, or being witnessed in a group, we can do hard things (even on purpose). This practice builds resilience and gives strength to one’s own internal voice of motivation and encouragement.
Sometimes the hard thing for me is getting out of bed, making a good choice about a snack or meal, taking out the compost, clearing the kitchen sink drain that is backed up, getting myself out for a walk, or having a difficult conversation. The process is the same for these. Having direct experience and practice with prior challenges helps make it easier to call up my methods to work through new ones. It might not be in this order or include all parts, but the process looks like this for me:
Breathe in through the nose.
Acknowledge: I am writing a story that I cannot do this, can’t go on, etc
Be curious about the story, trying not to judge it.
Notice any resistance to trying more - in both body and mind.
Ask if the story is true and the resistance is helpful in some way.
Feel the feelings that arise. Try to love and appreciate them, whatever they are.
Consider what your future self, or the person you are longing to be, would be happiest with.
Dialogue with the parts of myself still resisting.
Ask for help if needed. It is ok to seek support and encouragement.
Making a decision or intention that is my own and comes from the deepest place I can access within.
Act, if that was part of the decision.
If you have been looking for the space to practice doing hard things on purpose, or you are looking for the transformation that is just on the other side of “I can’t”, here are some opportunities. We hope you join us! More info on each below.
Firewalk with Honey Bear on October 17th - message me for details
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I will be setting up dates for my annual Winter Online Shamanic Breathwork series - one per month January through March. In the past, I have held these on Saturday or Sunday evening from 6-9pm. I am looking for your preference for days of the week and times, and have created this poll to collect your preferences.