Declaring Rock Bottom
My intentions for this newsletter are to share some personal writing, and some quotes from others, that hopefully will either resonate or be in some way helpful to read. Also, to let you know what workshops and events are upcoming - facilitated by me or others that I am joining or would join.
Please share with others if you feel called to. If anything below moves or stirs something within you that you would like to share with me, I welcome it. Questions are welcome as well.
This might be the longest writing I have added to this blog. I prefer shorter articles. It seems I had more to say this time. If you are a “TLDR” kind of person like me, I have added a bullet point summary at the end.
Thank you for reading!
“Fear is excitement without breathing, not something to be conquered.”
Joe Hudson
“Maharaj-ji [Neem Karoli Baba] said to me, 'Courage is a really important thing. Courage is a big thing.' I tell you the truth, there have been times when all I had was the remembering of those words. I was 99% over the cliff and I just had the memory of those few words, and it was enough to bring me back.“
Krishna Das
Declaring Rock Bottom
A few months ago, I attended a Firewalk facilitated by Honey Bear. He usually has a part of the ceremony where we declare and then release, limiting beliefs. I spoke about believing things about myself that are not true. While my beliefs about myself have changed drastically over the last 8 years, core beliefs have kept their roots in the rocky soil of my identity. I wanted to challenge them and to be fully honest with myself. For most of my life, I have tended to under-estimate/value who I am, what I can do, or what I bring to relationships, community, or work. There was a safety in that. At other times, I have overestimated myself and thought that I was better at something than I really was. I sometimes thought I was better than other people as a way to not face the undervaluing. Or, I didn’t ask for help because I thought I could handle something by myself. Both of these (shall I call them deceptions?) mostly got me into trouble.
The thought of either overvaluing or undervaluing myself and my abilities was both liberating and terrifying. It took summoning courage to state this to myself and those listening. It took even more to then decide to break it. Being surrounded by others who were withholding judgment, encouraging me, and sharing their own vulnerability and courage was helpful and supportive. I have had to continue to lean into courage to not slide back into my old beliefs or notice when that has already happened.
This will likely continue to be a major point of work for me in years to come or possibly the rest of my life. My experience is that these things don’t often just drop away and disappear. I have been practicing the old belief for 45 years or more. I will need to practice radical honesty with myself to get better at it. I will likely fail and then need to find courage again to start over.
Starting over takes courage.
If I beat myself up for not being honest with myself, it will be way more difficult to walk this path. Instead, extending compassion to the parts of me that felt safer when I deceived myself helped those parts allow themselves to loosen their grip on their story and reality. When this practice gets tough and/or I fail, a combination of compassion for myself and summoning courage from within will help me continue.
As I write this, I see how this started long before the Firewalk. The thread goes back to 15 or 16 years ago, to a day I woke up sick with the flu one morning and started getting ready for work. Maria asked me why I was going to work sick. I said something like “they need me” and probably thought that the business would slow or stop if I didn’t show up. The truth was that I was afraid that I was not a valuable enough employee, so missing a day might mean I was even less valuable. The question from Maria was an opportunity for a shift within myself right there in that moment. I didn’t take it. I continued to get ready for work. Maria asked me, “Is this what you ask your team members to do?” I answered, “No, of course not, I am not cruel!” Another opportunity to be honest with myself and declare that my being there is not as essential as I believed. I didn’t take that one either, but it did start something to build within me. It helped me learn that often it is helpful to consider what advice I would give to others and then apply that advice to myself. Easier said than done! It has been easier to be compassionate with others than it has been to be with myself. With practice, I have become better at using this strategy. Since then, I have stayed home when I was sick, knowing that I took the same advice I would have given to anyone else, “calling off” for the day.
I want to be honest with myself when something I am doing, thinking, or believing is not working. Even if it worked in the past, or even worked well enough to get me to the current moment/opportunity. If it is not going to work anymore, or work well enough to get me to the next level or version of myself, I want to have the compassionate courage to hold gratitude for it and then let it go. Or transform it. Or upgrade it. Or rewrite the story from a different perspective. It seems that I have not done this in the past until it became too painful or detrimental. It took losing something, ruining a relationship, or driving someone I love crazy to make me want to evaluate what is not working. There have been some true bodhisattva-level people in my life who have let me know in not uncertain terms that something I was doing (or saying) was not working for them. Usually, after long reflection, I thank them for that feedback.
Ideally, I want to be able to tell myself before I need to be told by another person. How painful does it have to get before I can do that for myself? Looking at my past, “Pretty painful” was a common answer.
The more I am curious about myself, the easier this “self-diagnosis” might be. That said, I am reminded of a line I often say: “If we could do it all by ourselves, there would only be one of us.” Introspection and curiosity in partnership with relationship and community might be the magic combination.
Turning point movements in my life, these catalysts for change, could be called a “rock bottom.” It was the moment that I could not bear any more, and change or letting go was the only option left. I have seen myself and others endure extreme levels of suffering before rock bottom was declared. Some bore it until their death. Our tolerance for pain seems to be the yardstick for how far we are willing to go on suffering. Why not our intolerance for being who we really are? There are several things in our culture, including the wide use of shame, that keep us from saying “enough.” We are taught that it would be considered losing/giving up/weak. There is a great discussion of that here. We don’t have (or we have lost) a strong ethos that parts of us can die so that new parts can be reborn. Physical death is something I have contemplated when at the bottom, but by changing my belief, behavior, or addictions instead, I was able to leave behind old aspects of myself so that new aspects could be developed in their place. I have written about an example of this in my life in a past newsletter articlehere.
What if we decided consciously where the bottom is – where enough is? Instead of when it is too painful, what if we noticed a trend in our suffering earlier and started the process sooner? If we are taught to have a high threshold for pain/suffering, could we say “enough” to that? To do that, we will need compassion and courage.
To use another metaphor, if we jump from a high altitude and have a parachute, why do we pull the cord so close to the ground? Why not pull it higher up, be able to enjoy the view, and land in a more gentle way? Sometimes it feels like we are told early in life that there are extra points for how long we wait. Likely it was shame telling us that.
Where will that compassion and courage come from?
Some of it can come from family, friends, or community. That can be the spark. I imagine that you have had people in your life who have tried to point out that something you do/think/believe is not working, or that a rock bottom might be approaching for you. Even if you spat out the bitter pill.
But having it pointed out and taking some action to make a change are two entirely different things. The fuel that will make the fire big enough to light the way, that provides clarity, must come from within ourselves. No one can change us. And maybe you're different than me, but often being asked to change causes me to dig in my heels further.
As I was writing this piece, the image below of Dr David Hawkins’s Map of the Conscious came into my social media feed. I cannot say I fully understand all of this map, but what was immediately evident was that courage is the gateway to expanded consciousness and affirming life.
It is said that courage is “feeling the fear and doing it anyway.” How we do it anyway is important. I have had experiences where I felt fear, closed my eyes, numbed my awareness/consciousness, or went totally out of my body, and did the thing I feared anyway. This was not a self-compassionate way to do it. I don’t have clear memories of what the experience was like. A thing was done, but I wasn’t really there for the doing. The part of me that was scared was not tended to, reassured, held, or welcomed – it was asked to wait in another room and be quiet. Early in my time with the Priest Process, I wanted to dive into the pond at Oz Farm Sanctuary. Diving into the clear water of a swimming pool would have been uncomfortable, but the clouded water and mystery of the pond caused fear to rise up. Before I could really feel it, I clamped my eyes closed and dove in. I could not tell you what the feeling of entering the water was like – I was somewhere else. Yes, I did it, and doing it again might be easier, but where was the experience (or the experiencer)?
I have had other experiences where I was fearful, but before doing it anyway, I welcomed that part of me that was scared, reassured him that we can do this, showed him how far I had come since the time he developed the fear, and held him with love and compassion. Once that part was agreed to face the fear in partnership, we did it anyway. I was present for the experience and retained the memory of it. Firewalks, with a skilled facilitator, is good example where I have been able to do this. Feeling each coal beneath my feet, the heat of the pile of coals on either side, focused on the other side, drums and rattles going, loving community around me. I remember those times. I was in my body.
Mostly the “in the body welcoming the fear” instances happened while in an altered state of consciousness entered through Shamanic Breathwork, meditation, Sweat Lodge, or other ceremony. These states allow for resistance to be dropped, emotion to come forward, and for the courage flowing from “who I really am” to be present. Add being in a safe container (a group that is withholding judgment, encouraging, and sharing their own vulnerability and courage) while doing this work to complete the magic of these states.
If you are looking for a space to transform your fear into excitement, summon your courage, and be in a safe container, please consider joining us on July 18th for a Shamanic Breathwork half-day workshop in Cincinnati – all are welcome. For men, there is also The Wildman Gathering August 7th-9th near Asheville, NC. For the planners out there, Grandfather Mowgli, Adrian Xopan, Charlotte Spring Dancer, and me for the next retreat in Mexico in Riviera Maya, at Aldea Maya Ha between Cancun and Tulum, February 22-27, 2027.
Summary:
I am on a quest to be radically honest with myself, neither under- or over-valuating myself. Would you also like to be?
That kind of honesty, or moving past self deception, takes courage.
Compassion while invoking and using that courage allows an honesty at a soul level.
Imagining what advice I would give to a friend, relative, or other loved one in the same situation that I am in, and then having the courage to take that advice for myself, has served me well in being honest with myself in a compassionate manner.
It takes courage to start over when something we are doing, or saying, is not working any longer. And it is possible.
While feedback from friends, family, therapists, and sometimes even strangers can be helpful for showing us what is not working, consider the possibility that we can identify these behaviors and thoughts on our own sometimes through introspection and curiosity.
Courage is the gateway to an affirming life and expanded consciousness.
“Feeling the fear and doing it away” (aka courage or bravery) is helpful, as long as we do it in an embodied, present, and compassionate manner.
Offerings to help develop and embody compassionate courage (more details on each further down):
July 18th - Shamanic Breathwork workshop in Cincinnati – all are welcome.
August 7th-9th - The Wildman Gathering near Asheville, NC.
February 22-27, 2027 Retreat in Mexico in Riviera Maya, between Cancun and Tulum with Grandfather Mowgli, Adrian Xopan, Charlotte Spring Dancer, and me.
Much Love and thank you for reading!
Jay Hoeffer
Diamondheart